I really don't know what's happening to me. When I came back to Brazil, I thought everything would be like a new start. Yeah, a fresh start. Sure I'm happy to be with my family and friends now, but everything is so different. I knew this would happen, but I didn't know it would be so hard to adapt myself again to the brazilian life. And not only that, my grades in school are really bad, and I've never worked so hard to get them high.
When I saw my parents waiting for me at the airport I ran into them. I missed them so much. As soon as I got in the car, my dad told me something I didn't think that had happened. He told me that a guy (it's a really long story) went to his office with a piece of wood threatning to kill him. And what I did? I started crying. That's pretty obvious, considering I love my dad more than anything in this world. You must be thinking "but why does the guy want to kill your dad?", as I already said, it's a really long story, but I just want you to know that it's not my dad's fault, this guy is insane, he hates my dad because my dad has a succesfull carreer and he doesn't.
Anyways, ever since December 9th of 2011 - the day I arrived in Brazil, my life has been a real mess. I got really worried not only about my dad, but about my mom too. They told me everything they didn't tell me while I was in the US because they didn't want to worry me, they told me that they're working really hard to get money so they can pay their employees but it's getting harder since a lot of their clients aren't paying as they should. How am I supposed not to be worried after that?!
On New Year's Eve I went to a restaurant with my parents, my grandpa and my grandma, it was fun. I danced with my mom and dad, something that never happens, they're always so stressed out because of work.
On February my grandpa got into a fight/discussion with my dad. It was because of my stupid uncle who is always doing bad stuff. Once he worked with my dad and he stole money from my dad, so my dad fired him and got really mad, obviously. But still, my grandma kept helping him with everything. She gave him money all the time so he could buy food, gas etc, but let me just tell you that my grandma's money is my dad's also. Because everything my grandma/pa spends, my dad that pays. So, after all, my dad continued to pay for everything my uncle did indirectely, even tho my dad told my grandparents that he wouldn't, considering everything he've done to my dad.
It's a complicated story so I'm just gonna get to the end: my grandpa got mad with my dad because he thought that my dad had told a guy that was renting his apartment that my uncle doesn't pay his bills (which is true, but my dad didn't say that) so the guy didn't want to rent it to my uncle.
It was a normal day, I went to my dad's office with him because the internet in my house wasn't working, and I was sitting on his secretary's desk using my laptop. Suddenly my grandpa enters the room almost breaking the door, screaming, cursing things like "I trusted you. I can't believe you're doing this to me. You wanna kill me." He was being SO dramatic. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to pass out. You guys don't know my grandpa so you don't know how dramatic, stupid and arrogant he can be. I was scared because I thought they were going to start slapping each others faces, I don't know, anything could happen and I didn't wanna see it.
While my grandpa was screaming with my dad, my dad's cellphone rang and it was my mom. She was crying a lot and my dad couldn't understand what she was saying. My dad got worried and so did I. My dad also started screaming with my grandpa and then my grandpa left.
Right after that me and my dad got in the car and went to my house to see what was going on with my mom. When we got there, it was the worst moment of my life. She was sitting in her car, crying, having hiccups, her face was all red, her eyes were puffy because she was crying a lot. I just got off the car and hugged her for more than 5 minutes, we just stood there hugging each other. She couldn't stop crying and we asked what happened. She told us my grandpa went to our house at 9am (it was like 9:30 when we got there) screaming, bumping into the door and she woke up scared. When she got to the door and she saw my grandpa, she thought something had happened to me and my dad (because of that stupid guy who wants to kill my family). She started crying at the moment she saw my grandpa, but my grandpa just started screaming with her asking where my dad was and saying things like "you and him are stupid, I can't believe he did this to my son."
My mom told this to me and my dad, and at that moment my granpda had arrived at his house. We live really close, so we heard his car coming. My dad was really really mad, so he told us "we're gonna move. I don't wanna live here anymore. I can't stand this." and then he screamed a lot of bad things to my grandpa, which I'm absolutely sure he heard. I started crying, even though I was trying to be strong. I just couldn't hold it in. My throat was hurting because I was holding it in, and when I saw my dad's eyes watering, I couldn't stop the tears from coming.
And so here I am today, in a new house. Yeah, it's fun sometimes. But I haven't seen my grandpa in a month (or even more), my mom doesn't talk to him anymore and I don't know, I don't feel like I have a reason to wake up everyday.
It's not only because of my dad's fight with my grandpa and the fact that my family is in danger, is the fact that I feel sad 24/7.
And also, I miss my friends from Jackson/Oak Ridge SO much. Everytime I see pictures from last year, watch videos, read their letters, I cry. Just a couple of days ago I found my friends' letters and I read all of them. My heart is hurting now, I wish I could go back to Jackson, where everything was perfect, I didn't have to worry about anything. But this is the price we pay when we grow up. We have to deal with stuff like this. We have to be responsible, we gotta worry about our future and work hard so we can at least go to college, we gotta be here for the people we love. I'm not complaining about it, because I would and I WILL do anything for my family.
Do you know what's even worse? Today, per example, I was eating a sandwich, and before I finished it, I was full. I wasn't going to finish it, but then I remembered all the kids that starve in Africa. Not only in Africa, but everywhere. And it made me feel sad.
There's something wrong with me. No, I'm not saying there's something wrong about being sad with the fact that there are kids starving. Is just that, wasn't I supposed to be living with no worries? To be living for today, and not thinking about what's gonna happen tomorrow?
I don't know, I'm feeling so confused. I'm not even sure if I got real friends anymore. My best friend moved to a city that's 3 hours away and she doesn't come often, I'm not even really talking to her, her internet is also not working. I know at least 2 people that I know that I can trust. But sometimes I just feel like I can't tell them everything, because they won't understand. And I get it, I really do.
I don't know what I would tell my friend if she told me that her parents were in danger because of some stupid guy who wants to kill them. I would probably say that they could count on me or something like that. But it's never enough. They can say all they want, but it doesn't stop the tears from falling, it doesn't stop my heart from hurting. It does make my days better 5%, but at the end of the day, when I'm laying in my bed thinking about life, it doesn't help.
I know crying won't help, but I get so desperate. I'm so scared. I've never been more scared in my entire life. I'm scared of what might happen tomorrow. Everytime I listen to an ambulance, I think something happened to my parents. And I hate it. I hate not being able to LIVE with no worries.
No one is probably reading this, but I don't care. I'm trying to take the pain away, but it's getting worse.
A part of me is happy because I saw Demi last week. And she has helped me a lot. She has helped me to get through it. Her voice makes me calm, it makes me want to wake up the next day and do everything different. It makes me want to wake up smiling, and not crying. Sometimes it happens, and I try to stay strong at least during the day.
My life's been about saying strong. And I can tell you that I'm doing my best. If you see me at school, I'm smiling, looking like everything's okay, when it's not okay. As Demi says "it's amazing what you can hide just by putting on a smile", I'm sure 90% of people in school doesn't know what's going on in my life, and they won't, I don't wanna tell.
I know I have the strenght to make it through. I'll be okay, just not today.
